


constrictive thoughts

by kkaeptain



Category: GOT7
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Jackson-centric, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-09-13 22:57:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9145852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kkaeptain/pseuds/kkaeptain
Summary: Jackson couldn't breathe. Darkness swallowed him and words were speaking way too loud and too fast for him. Then Mark came along, silence ensued.





	

**Author's Note:**

> tbh I'm sad that my first work here is crossposted from my aff (xXmysteriousXx) but I really wanted to share something here so I hope you guys will enjoy it! Do tell me if there's any mistakes!

“Doubt thou the stars are fire,

Doubt that the sun doth move.

Doubt truth to be a liar,

But never doubt I love. ” 

_― William Shakespeare_

* * *

_Thinking isn't bad_ , Jackson defended himself. What kind of absurdity was Jinyoung spouting?

 _I never said thinking was bad_ , Jinyoung replied calmly.  _All I'm saying was, you think too much._

The conversation ended like that. With Jinyoung leaving by their maknae's calls and Jackson deep in his thoughts. 

Questions and answers swirled in his head. Did he really think too much?  _Probably but it was a good thing! It gave him an opportunity to consider the consequences before he acted upon his decisions_. Was it bad to be extra careful with what you say?  _Obviously, not. Jinyoung was making such a huge thing over this_. Wait, wasn't it him who started the whole thing? It was! Oh no, he just blamed someone mindlessly again. 

_Ah, Jackson. Why are you always like this?_

"Jacks?" 

He blinked, letting reality sink back in his senses. Mark was staring at him, Jackson blinked again. Was he seeing worry on the older's face? Maybe it was just in head. His mind was always playing with him. Why could he feel the awkward tension between them? Was Mark waiting for something? Did he respond yet? He didn't did he? Oh God.

"Yeah?" Jackson mentally pat himself for not blurting anything stupid yet was that all he could say?

"Are you okay?" The staring contest didn't end and Jackson's mind wandered off if he had ever injured himself again for the past few days.

"Um, I'm fine." Jackson nodded nonchantly. "Yeah, I'm good. Why?"

Mark shook his head. Then, he walked out of the dorm. Jackson raised an eyebrow at that but he couldn't say it was weird or so. Mark was always like that, he worried too much about others yet he never worry about himself. 

Speaking of him, the latter came back into the living room and oh, Jackson just noticed the black bag Mark was carrying. Practice must be starting in a few minutes.

"You coming?"

"Of course I am."

 

 

 

 

 

Black cheap boards placed uncomfortably behind him. Legs bend awkwardly because of his sitting position. Bright light shone at them and multiple cameras with their wires tangled up were shooting every moment—even the smallest detail—of them talking. The only good thing out of all of these were the table in front of them, too close for their liking and filled with food. Well, it was actually just a bag of chips but it was still food.

Besides, Jackson wasn't alone. He was with Jinyoung, shooting for their GOT2DAY series. However, that wasn't a good thing. Turned out, their previous conversation didn't end properly. The younger brought it up and Jackson's heart clenched throughout the whole thing.

"Jackson is a lot more thoughtful than people think he is," Jinyoung began. "For example, because he's always joking around, some people may think he's simple-minded but he actually contemplates a lot more than an average person."

With every word spoken, Jinyoung's eyes never met Jackson's downcast eyes yet he probably didn't know the rapper was mentally fighting with himself for being like that.

"He's someone who really thinks a lot about what more he could do to make sure others are happy." Silence overlapped before Jackson finally let the words in his head be spoken.

It then followed by a light arguement between them. Jackson thought the hat was a part of who he was and it gave him a strong confidence boost in his dancing skills. Obviously, Jinyoung disagreed. 

"You realized that you're just as good of a person without the hat," even so, Jackson refused to listen. He kept insisting the hat was part of him and his brain kept repeating the same thing as well.

Finally, the singer snapped. "That's only your thinking! There's a huge difference between your perception of yourself and how others perceive you. You see yourself in being very small but when others see you, they see a lot more in you. I'm saying that you're only seeing a tiny part of yourself."

"If I don't wear my hat," Jackson reasoned again. "I start imagining and thinking negatively."

Jinyoung grew exasperated. Alas, with one last advice or point, the topic stopped there and so did the cameras. This left a very confusing Jackson with his thoughts all over again.

 

 

 

 

 _ **2:28AM**. _ It shone brightly on the screen of Mark's phone. He laid down on the cold wooden floor, drenched with sweat after hours of practicing the same choreography again and again and again. A break or two did happen but that still didn't help him recover from tiredness. Currently Mark was feeling lethargic but despite his state, he soon realized why they had to practice continuously from the beginning. 

Jackson messed up. Bad.

He meant sure, they do practice continuously before this. However, this time it was different. The reason came from Jackson.  _Jackson._ The guy that usually danced flawlessly during practice _._ Even Mark couldn't believe what he was thinking. He got up into a sitting position, eyes immediately wandered off and that was went he saw it. 

"Hey, where's your cap?" Mark asked as he slid next to Jackson. The younger tensed at the sudden question, quickly avoiding eye contact.

"I forgot," Jackson lied through his teeth and he knew Mark could see through it the moment he raised his eyebrow at him. He was mentally prepared for this, the words he had thought earlier were speaking too fast for even Jackson to comprehend. He thought maybe he ended up stammering it out or worst, snapping at Mark. He could imagine the awkward tension that would soon develop between them and possibly they might even end up not talking to each other at all but that was impossible because they were in the same group, having the same group of friends, literally lived in the same dorm together  _and_ sharing a room. It was quite impossible, right? _Right?_

As fast as the scary thoughts invaded his mind, it went away faster when Mark said something that had everything in his mind disappeared. Silence calmed him and Jackson felt lighter than before.

_Just so you know, it'll be okay._

They practiced three times more before hitting the sacks and not once did Jackson make any mistake.  
  
 

 

 

The silence—it never came back. Jackson craved for it now. Words were getting faster, louder and harsher than before, he was suffocating. Surprisingly, no one ever asked about his sudden silent moments. Maybe it was because he could mask it all too well with his expressions or probably because they were all tired from the nonstop promotions for their latest single. They won three times yet no one asked if he was okay. The thought of it made him feel selfish.

Jackson once wondered how did the words started convincing him that he was quite worthless to the others. The words were always hurting him yet it got meaner every single day. When he saw Jaebum hurt his foot, everything clicked. Jackson was in that position a month ago and fragments of the memories still remained till now. The dance practices and dinners he missed, he felt really bad. If he didn't get himself injured, none of this and that would've happened. He wouldn't have lied to Mark, he wouldn't have been so persistent with Jinyoung and annoyed with the hairdresser. 

It was his own fault that he couldn't breathe properly now.

Perhaps, Jackson misunderstood the whole thing. From the start, a pair of eyes had watched over him from the sidelines. Curiosity had piqued in the owner's eyes when the younger was being unusually silent and when asked if he was okay, he got the same answer over and over again. Oddly, not once did he believe Jackson. His suspicion was confirmed about something was messing in Jackson's head when he watched the 94-liners recorded their part of the series. Jackson didn't even look at the camera when the man, himself, admitted he secretly often craved for the camera's attention.

Mark wasn't actually surprised when Jackson lied about forgetting his cap days after the shooting. Initially, he wanted to push Jackson into spilling out his thoughts but the younger had looked restless enough for Mark to just swallow back his words. 

When Jackson was ready, he would tell. Mark hoped.  
 

 

 

 

Jackson was smiling. he smiled until it hurt. When he looked beside him, Sungjae and Yoojung were currently laughing. Jackson got confused momentarily before he remembered the script said to laugh.

So, he laughed.

The small red light dimmed including his bright smile. Jackson let Yoojung and Sungjae stepped down before he followed them from behind.

Maybe he was spacing out again because the next thing he knew, there was a pat on his back. It was Sungjae and by the look he was giving, Jackson knew what the first he would say.

"Hyung, you look really pale." The thought of him screaming no and pulling his own hair out were tempting but Jackson had played this role for the past these days. another couldn't hurt.

"I'm okay." Eyes averted it gaze and Jackson immediately fled the scene before Sungjae could say more.

 _Five times or more,_ Jackson had lied through his teeth. He wished they were true though.

By the end of the day, Jackson was exhausted. They practically laughed a bit and smiled a lot for the episode. The ride back home was filled with his manager hyung rambling about something. Jackson couldn't focus properly.

At times, he figured a nap would be nice but he was scared. Every time Jackson closed his eyes, weird images and negative words popped up and every night because of that he would often wake up drenched in sweat.

These days, mirrors were his enemies. They showed Jackson flaws and imperfections he never wanted to have. Thankfully, make up were created long before he was born. Unfortunately, make up couldn't hide the dead feeling in Jackson's eyes.

When Jackson entered their shared dorm, the word 'sleep' screamed louder than before as it sensed that his bed was so _so_ close. He took a few more tiring steps and finally, he was in his bedroom. The light was still on and by the looks of it, Mark was still awake.

"You're home." Mark said quietly from the upper of their shared bunk bed, as if he was scared he would wake up the other members in the dorm. 

 _No, this was not home_ , Jackson thought. His home was in Hong Kong. His home was almost 3000 kilometres or a flight away from here. His home was where his family and relatives were. That was Jackson's home but he couldn't say that. Mark was in a similar position as him and his home was further than Jackson's—than anyone else's in this dorm. It would be rude to say that out loud.

"I am," Jackson ended up saying, softly. Switching off the lights, he then let his aching body lay on the soft comfy bed. Sighing, Jackson closed his eyes, letting the silence overwhelmed him.

"Hey, Jackson?"

"Hm?"

"Are you okay?"  _Another one wouldn't hurt,_ Jackson thought as he felt guilt slowly eating him alive.

"Yeah."

"I hope you are."

Alas, the guilt swallowed him whole.

 

 

 

 

**03:47AM**

Even if darkness enveloped him, Jackson still remained awake. Tiredness, that was what he felt yet his brain refused to let him sleep. As he laid there in his bed, his senses heightened. At the corner of his sightline, the numbers and words on the clock blinked in bright red and the soft snores coming from Mark could be heard. It was soft yet soothing, a calm reminder for him that he wasn't really alone in the dark.

Jackson shifted into a different laying position now and then, trying to get comfortable enough for him to sleep. The hush whispers in the dark disturbed his concentration and Jackson quickly shut his eyes and ears. A futile attempt to block them away.

_Were you even smiling properly just now._

_They're judging you again, Jackson. They know you made_ _**another** _ _mistake._

_Do you think they're happy to have you here._

_They're better off without you._

_You've made them upset, Jackson._

_Why do you keep lying to yourself?_

_**You don't belong here.** _

_**You don't belong here, at all.** _

"Jackson!"

Eyes immediately opened and a loud gasp escaped Jackson's lips as he abruptly sat up. The heat was suffocating. He was panting heavily, heart beating rapidly and his sight was getting blurry by the second. Realization began to dawn on Jackson.

He was crying.

To make it worst, Mark was watching him do so.  _Embarrassing,_ Jackson thought and quickly looked away. However, that didn't stop the familiar pair of arms, pulling him into Mark's embrace and whispering comforting and soothing words to his ears.

Breaking his walls down, Jackson let himself be free.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
 

Jackson was nervously fidgeting in the chair, he couldn't predict what would happen next. 

After Mark had calmed him down, Jackson had slept rather peacefully than these past few days. When he woke up, Mark was already gone and the clock had shown it was already noon. Partially angry and confused with why Mark didn't wake him up, Jackson had gotten out of bed and rushed to the bathroom. Ignoring the fact he was alone once more in the dorm.

By the time he was clean and ready, Jackson read and reread the text message he had received earlier when he was showering. He couldn't help but felt scared and more confused as before.

_From: Jaebum Hyung_

_I told them you were sick today. So, rest and eat properly. Mark told me everything. I'll talk to you later._  
 

The door finally opened and Jackson was mildly surprised to find Mark entering. He suddenly remembered that they  _were_ sharing a room.

"Thought you were Jaebum hyung for a second there." Jackson said, breaking the silence.

"Yeah, about that," Mark began, fidgeting slightly, "Jaebum wanted me to talk to you."

"Oh."

"He said it was for the best."

Jackson nodded in respond. He didn't know what to say but Jaebum was probably right. It was much more easier to spill his thoughts to Mark than Jaebum. Jaebum made him feel guarded and that he should be careful with his choice of words but with Mark, even if he was rambling nonsense and nonstop, Jackson felt more reassured.

Even so, spilling out everything was quite difficult for Jackson. He was too used keeping everything locked up somewhere deep inside his head and heart. He was scared that letting them up would make a mess and hurt people around him. As thoughtful as it seemed, Jackson didn't want to keep the thoughts to himself any longer because keeping them locked up meant making more wounds onto yourself. The pain he felt since the beginning, he didn't want them anymore.

Mark was silent. He had taken a chair and sat in front of Jackson whom was sitting on his own bed. His eyes never left Jackson's and not once did he look away. Jackson couldn't guess what was in Mark's head but the silence in the room wasn't awkward and he was thankful for that. The more seconds passed by and Jackson finally figured out Mark probably wanted him to open up when he was ready.

It took Jackson another minute and a deep breath for him to fully be.

"I-I have to talk to Jaebum hyung."

What was that, Jackson mentally screamed at himself. He couldn't believe he just pushed away a chance to be free. Oh God.

"Oh."

"N-no, what I meant was—"

 

_**Stop, Jackson. You're embarassing yourself.** _

_**Look at what you did to Mark.** _

Jackson did and he let out a shaky breath.

_Go away!_

**_You hurt him and you broke_ _his trust._ **

_Leave me alone._

_**He thinks you're a horrible person now.** _

_N-no, he doesn't._

_**He thinks you're selfish**._

_No!_

_**Mark thinks you're pathetic.** _

 

" _Jackson_ ."

 

The malicious voice faded and his name was repeated a few times more. However, Jackson refused to believe that. His mind was always playing tricks on him. It would come back. The voice would come back and hurt him some more. It always did.

 

" _Jackson, open your eyes!_ "

 

Was that Mark?

 

" _Open your eyes!"_  


 

Bright light greeted him and Jackson winced a bit at how intense it was. He didn't remember when he closed his eyes but what he knew however, was he and Mark wasn't alone anymore. Six pair of eyes stared at him worriedly and the two oldest among them were panting heavily.

 

"Are you okay?" Jaebum asked, tone laced with concern. Jackson could only swallow nervously, eyes sinking in on how thrashed his shared bedroom was and the tight grip held by Jaebum at his wrist.

 

"I-I don't know."

 

 

 

 

 

For someone that has blurry dreams of wanting to achieve success in life and at the same time making sure everyone around him have sincere smiles, Jackson preferred to be alone. The colorful lights of Seoul brighten up the dark sky and Jackson began wondering about the stars he had seen when his grandfather had took him camping. He was 12 years old and Seoul city lights still couldn't beat those two three stars he saw that night. 

 

It was quiet up here on the rooftop, no one had went up with him. Since the first time he had set foot on this city that gave him fame, Jackson had never felt truly calm until now. There wasn't anyone to point out his flaws, to teach him a thing or two about manners, to tell him what to do and mostly the voices. It was as if they had decided to just disappear into thin air and Jackson didn't want to even think about where they went (but deep down, he knew they would come back as always).

 

Calamity wasn't something that last forever, Jackson learnt this based on experience. So, it didn't really surprised him when he heard sound of footsteps making their towards him. However, the blue blanket thrown over his head did catch him off-guard.

 

"Hey!" Jackson yelped, immediately struggling to remove the blanket off him. Deep-sounded chuckles froze his actions midway, when Jackson peeked through the tiny hole he found on the piece of clothing, the sight he got was Mark sitting beside him in his grey hoodie whilst wearing a pair of black skinny jeans. Legs spreaded in front and leaning against his hands, Mark's eyes glimmered in the dark and his hair slightly disheveled because of the cold wind. Jackson's breath hitched.

 

"It's really freezing out here," Mark said seconds later, "I'm surprised you didn't wear a jacket though. Aren't you supposed to be sensitive of the cold?"

 

  
_Huh_.

 

"I forgot," Jackson admitted, "I just wanted to get out, you know."  _You know, away from everything._  


 

And just maybe Mark did understand the hidden meaning underneath those words yet he didn't pointed it out. His eyes though told a different story. If Jackson was bad at lying, Mark was worst in masking his true feelings because his eyes always conveyed them for him and being stuck with him since their shared of ' _hello'_ s, Jackson could easily deciphered them all. From happiness to sadness and mixtures of other feelings, Jackson could probably write a book about it. 

 

Right now, he saw hesitance and worry portrayed in Mark's eyes. Jackson sighed, looking straight in the older's eyes as if to prove that  _I'm okay, hyung_ but the emotions didn't fade. It sort of tore his heart a bit that Mark didn't believe him but they've been best friends for years now and Mark probably know him best better than anyone else. Better than himself, perhaps.

 

"Mark, I'm fine," Jackson said reassuringly and this time his best friend believed him, only relief and hints of worry were seen now. Mark released a breath he never knew he held.

 

"I trust you. But still," Mark pleaded, "tell me if you're really stressed out or just had a horrible day, okay?"

 

_I care about you and I don't want you to go through it alone._

 

 

"Okay."

 

 

 

 

 

It was a little bit after two in the morning when Jackson woke up. The concrete floor wasn't the best place to sleep after a long day yet they both did it. Sounds of cars honking and people talking below were still deafening yet Jackson felt at peace seeing Mark sleeping soundly underneath the baby blue blanket. Unguarded yet serene.

 

These past few days might have been a tornado of thoughts for Jackson but he still never lose sight of everyone and everything around him. Especially Mark, who thought he was discreet enough to think that Jackson didn't know about how he watched the younger sleep everynight, gave chocolate after a long day, worried stares from the sidelines and the words he said but meant more deeper than they both thought.

 

And when the soft breeze hushed his thoughts away, Jackson wriggled his way back under the blanket and snuggled a bit closer to Mark for warmth before letting the soft snores lullabied him to sleep.

 


End file.
